Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
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Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.