I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
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My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
