Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle