I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
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[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
🙀🙀🙀😹
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Love is always patient and kind.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”