Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

honey, bring out the fine china.

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

Holy moly

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom