Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
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My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.