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FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.