Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”