I am yelling
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Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
What if the weather talks about us?
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.