The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
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Morningbreath
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*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”