Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

Growing out my freckles.

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes