My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
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Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her