My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?