Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
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Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
S M O L
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.