I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
