Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal