People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
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sounds kinky. i’m in.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*