Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.