Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.

His new catchphrase?

“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.