Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.