Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

some things should go without saying

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”