Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something