4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
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Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken