Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
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Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?