Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

Name another movie that mislead you?

multitasking lunch

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

😭