*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.