Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.