Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

#winning

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.