Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

Spoiler Alert: I was late

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

National Margarita Day is like any other day except…

“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”

*passes out*

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

Mmmm canned fish.

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here