Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

This one’s “Alex”.

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

Solving a traffic jam

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee