Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever

Them: they were singing happy birthday to me

🗽

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.