Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!

😂💯

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin