Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

first you must answer his riddles

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

Oops I deleted….