Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
You Might Also Like
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
BRAKING NEWS!!
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice