*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
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To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Weighing up my bread heating options
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”