Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

*files a restraining order against reality*

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car

My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…

Send help!

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’