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Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Oh, I bet you would be
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]