Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
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Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
That lamp looks PISSED.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Who.
Did.
This?
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.