PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
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It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go