Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

The 5 signs of laziness

1.

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

be careful