Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

you have three unread messages

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet