According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
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Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Printer ink is expensive
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse