I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
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I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
True statement👍😏😁
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween