Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
You Might Also Like
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough