Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”