Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
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I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
my nickname in college
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?