Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

then why did i get this email

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

My circle of trust is a meatball

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.