The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Your secret is safeish with me
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
The asteroid..
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Kids: Stay in school.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.