🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
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My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.