Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

Respect

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.