Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
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Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
some Old Testament wisdom
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
🙅🏻
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.